Well, I will say this: the whole "being alone" thing is getting easier. Don't get me wrong; it's still hard practice, but I'm getting better at it, to the point where I am actually beginning to value it. It is bringing a clarity to my life that may have been being squelched or drowned out by all the external obligations that my life imposes upon me. But I also know that--in my heart of hearts--I'd still rather "be with someone". I'm getting okay with that simply being as it is; that feeling of wanting. My current life will not be "this way" forever. Nothing is anyway "for ever". I may suddenly find myself in a relationship. I may suddenly find myself a monastic. I may suddenly find myself looking a bit like Mothra. It's all up in the air. Everything is.
And that's okay. That's as it should be.
I love Sunday mornings. That sounds so trite and pat, but that doesn't make it any less true. And the quieter the morning the better. The kid's gone, the soon-to-be ex is gone. It's just me, the cats, NPR and Classical Guitar Alive. It's about the smell of steeping coffee beans, biscuits baking in my little toaster oven, incense and cold rain. It's about the complex slightly acidic taste of my pipe tobacco lingering on my palate while I drink my sweet, hot, creamy mocha. It's about that feeling of peace I get knowing that no bill collector will call today, that no one will clamor for my time, and that I can focus my attention on my sangha, my service to my teachers and friends, the dharma, my breath and myself.
My self. My needs. My spirit. My mind.
These things aren't "selfish" even if they are "self-ish". I've suffered for a long time from the mistaken view that they are the former. Also, I'm not saying that I've been unduly taxed throughout my life--far from it. I've suffered the luxury of "me-time" plenty in my life. But "focusing on myself" has always had the lingering aftertaste of "selfishness" in my life, and it's taken me a long time to understand that that is not a "right view" either. If I don't truly nurture myself, I won't have anything to give to the people I love and care about. It's sort-of like making your bed: it's not absolutely necessary, but it does make going to bed that much more pleasant.
On the other hand, I now know that "focusing on myself"--for real--is probably something I've subliminally avoided doing. Being with myself, being truly subjective about what I'm feeling, and at the same time being coldly objective about who and what I "am" is not something that I'm particularly good at, or have ever wanted. I look at things like self-worth and -value, and I get very down. I've spent a lot of my life building myself and "writing my story". But as I go deeper into this Zen practice, I see something a bit more clearly now.
"To what end?"
What good is the story of my life? Like all people, I have tales that I tell. And I have some whoppers. I've been fortunate to have led a very interesting life in the eyes of many people. But what does that story add up to for me? Is it worth anything? Am I merely clinging to the peak of a wave? Am I trying to declare and place a value upon something that is inherently worthless and empty? (That sounds really self-flagellating and depressing, but it's not. It's an examination of a phenomena through the lens of the Dharma; no more--no less).
When someone is constantly saying they're this or that because of things they were or did in the past, they're inherently not what they purport to be. Why? Because those times are gone. The "I was" is as grounding as "I want to be" because one is tethered to the past, which can never be again, and the future, which is never actually manifest. You are constantly coming or going, but never really "here". And as time goes on, I feel a deeper and deeper desire to bring that "here" more into focus and allow myself to peacefully abide in it. It has been what's been missing from my experience my entire life; to simply abide in the now, being just who I am from moment to moment. To abide is a skill, a blessing, a gift. And I am thankful, on this quiet Sunday morning, for all the teachers that have entered into my life, and are such powerful illustrations of just how useful the skill of peacefully abiding is.
I'm not a vegan. I've never strictly been one. The shredded soy cheese I've used on lots of stuff over the years (pizza, mostly) has cassien in it. I do--however--still eat and prepare lots of vegan food, and I most likely always will. Why? Well, frankly, it's better for the planet as a whole, and me specifically. If one half the population of the nation ate a truly vegan meal every day, think of the impact that would make on the nation, and the nation's health! Anyway, I'll speak more about veganism in a future blog. But let's talk about pizza, shall we?
Pizza is without question the perfect food. There are few things more gratifying and satiating to me than a well-made pie. And don't get me wrong; vegan pizza can be awesome. I'm lucky that I live in Portland, where vegans can go to any number of really good pizzarias and get a slice. Note that: a slice. No special ordered whole pie that you need to pay extra for in order to have the spotty-faced kid leave off a bunch of stuff. Vegan pizza by the slice at any number of pie holes.
But...
Pizza, for me at least, is 45% about the pizza, and 55% about comfort, and frankly, that comfort comes from (ahem) cheezy goodness. There. I said it.
The cheese/comfort thing partly stems from being raised in Wisconsin, admittedly. But the real issue is more mechanical. It's structural. You can make the best damn tasting pie on earth, with fab roasted veggies, great meat substitutes and all the rest. But if everything comes falling off in transit to your favorite pizza consuming orifice, the comfort winds up all over your plate, or worse, down your front and in your lap. No comfort. No joy. Bah!
There's a little pizza joint up in Seattle in the campus side of the world called Pizza Pi. Great fresh-made vegan pizzas and calzones. Awesome. When I was last there, it looked like the place was about to go the way of many vegan food ventures (read: "out of business"). Vegan Pizza Brother #1 there said he just couldn't make bank. Damn sad since he was across the street from a major head-shop. Good lord, you couldn't even count on the munchies to keep a pizza place going? I was pretty sure I was going to get some cardboard disc thingy with squidgy underdone tempeh and limp spinach adhesion layer.
Um. No.
Aside from the fact that everything topping-wise was great, the sauce this guy came up with was stunningly good; a white bechamel-type garlicy white-sauce that actually set up and held things in place! Oh, and it didn't feel like hot wall-paper paste in my mouth! In asking the guy about his business, and hearing of his woes, I tried to talk him out of his garlic sauce recipe. No dice. Fair enough, I thought: secret sauces are the foundation of financial fame and success, as we all know, and I'd never ask someone for their first-born. I just went away from the place, happily full, and with a mission.
Fast forward seven years...
Finally, I have a working sauce/topping/binding agent, and it took Wondra and the better part of a half decade of cooking practice to manage it.
Wondra is that gravy/sauce maker in the blue can that your mom had up on the backslpash of the stove that you got in touble as a kid for using to cover your Valley Forge diorama in "snow" because it looked so real. Well, sparky, it's what you need to make your pizza a fab disc of happy. It's what's refered to as an "instant" or "instantized" flour; that is, it is a "low-protein, pregelatinized wheat flour to which some malted barley flour has been added. It has been formulated to dissolve quickly in either hot or cold liquids, and is most often called for to thicken gravies and sauces. Because of its low-protein content, it is also sometimes used in making pie crusts and other recipes that call for cake flour, which is also lower in protein than all-purpose flour"1. In short: it's a super-fine low protien flour that disolves very quickly, and when heated, thickens its liquid base into a gravy or, if used in larger quantity, a thick cheesy-like sauce. One night, while making pizza for me and my ex (the typical melty soy-cheese one for me, and one barren and cheese-less one for her), I spotted my can of Wondra while grabbing for some spice in the cabinet. Right there, on the can, is their recipe for "One Step White Sauce". Just having it there in front of me, I had that forehead-slap moment. "Just toss some granulated garlic in there, and I bet that'd be a start" I thought. Well, not only was it a start, it was the Alpha-Omega. The first bite told me Pizza Pi had lost its magic spell, and I now held the Dark Crystal!!
Wondra One-Step White SauceHeat all ingredients to boiling over medium heat, stirring constantly. Bring to a boil and stir one minute. Makes 1 cup sauce.
- 1 cup cold milk
- 2 tablespoons Gold Medal Wondra flour
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/8 teaspoon pepper
So, that's right off the can. The riff is as follows:
- 2 TBSP + 1tsp Wondra(R) gravy and sauce maker
- 2 TBSP Earth Balance
- 1 TBSP nutritional yeast
- 1 TSP granulated garlic
- 1 cup almond milk
The almond milk, because it is a nut milk, has a nice glossy mouth-feel (due to its fat content) and nutty flavor, which helps the cheesy-ness, as does the nutritional yeast. Also, by using the yeast, you can omit the salt, as the yeast adds a salty/savory note to things.
The proof was in the eating. Not so much my ex, who would enjoy it without the "cheese", but was very gratifying to ME, the "cheesehead". Great mouth-feel, taste, and acted so well as a "bind the universe together" agent that Obi-wan would proudly serve this to Yoda. The most recent riff on this is the Nacho Cheese pizza topping for "Mexi-pizza".
- 2 TBSP + 1tsp Wondra(R) gravy and sauce maker
- 2 TBSP Earth Balance
- 3 TBSP nutritional yeast
- 1 TSP granulated garlic
- 1/2 TSP smoked paprika
- 1/2 TSP cumin
- 1 TSP taco powder
- 1 CUP almond milk
See, I'm trying!
A few interesting things are happening. Hopefully I'll be able to post specifics soon, but I don't want to speak out of turn before things are finalized. What I can say is that I'm currently working on a "class/program" offering for my sangha that will involve movie nights and other media. It really does look to be shaping up into something rather cool. The bit I won't talk about yet involves the appearance of a certain blogger and writer who may be showing up to participate in one of them. This is cool, but a bit unnerving at the same time.
I'm starting to go deeper into my practice, and it's helping me. I feel more grounded. I feel more balanced. Yet at the same time, I'm rather scared. I took a year off of my Zen practice a while ago, to "feel out" if I really wanted to go in this direction. I came back after realizing that it was about the only thing that actually helped me. But there is still this lingering question. It's not "will this help?" or "is this worth it?"; it's more "can I do this?" Zen requires so much of you, and I'll admit that in my life I've not been the greatest when it comes to committing to something and seeing it through. But at the same time, the things I've committed to in my practice--the service to my sangha, mostly--come more easily than many things I've endeavored to do in the past. That leads me to believe that I'm tasting something different. But the idea of this level of commitment scares the bujeebus out of me. The mere truth of the fact that I am seriously considering monasticism as a life path is, uh... scary.
I have this kid in the SG:Buddhism group--some copper-banded* university student in the Netherlands--who is all over me with his zen-ness. It does get to me a bit on the ego level, I'll admit; some twenty-something telling me that I have no grasp of Zen. That having been said, what gets to me the most is the fact that people will read this person's ideas and come away with a really incorrect idea of Zen. He's comingling Zen with Existentialism. I love this bit...
ZT I feel your understanding of zen is heavily influenced by buddhism as a whole. While this may be constructive to most sects of buddhism it is not for Zen. In fact it is the exact opposite for Zen. Having preconcieved notions of what Zen is or what Zen means is counterproductive to your experience of it.Oi!
Zen is spiritual if you do not feel that way perhaps you are doing something wrong? Perhaps you think it to be something it is not?
I am willing to wager 100 Euro that this kid has never done sanzen, and 100 more that he never will. I don't mean to sound all pissy and negative about the whole thing, but at the same time...
I don't purport to know it all. I'm working hard on not coming off like I do, which I know sometimes happens. But at the same time, I am not ashamed that I know what I know. What bothers me the most is that this kind of stuff still bothers me. I went back to SG because I thought it could once again be a good outlet for my dharma practice. I am now questioning that decision...
It's been too long. I want to start blogging more. So sorry for the lull all you non-existent readers!
I've put on over ten pounds by drowning my sorrows in various cheeses. Ugh. And I'm just generally not eating right. I'm "sad-eating". Will work on that.
Emotionally, I'm not truly depressed; just worried. Where the hell will I come up with the money to move out on my own? I can't do it with a room-mate; a) I have a kid, and b) it'd drive me crazy. But honestly, I'll do what I have to do. That will most likely entail asking my mother for money, most likely against any of the rest of my inheritance. Dunno. Good news is, it looks like the kid found a job.
More later. It's been a chore just motivating myself to write this...
Yes, I'm happy. But unfortunately, the turd of Prop 8 on top of my happiness sundae is a bit, umm... "turd-like". I *do* believe we'll get it overturned. I really do believe we're embarking upon a new direction for this country. We have to. We HAVE to. The days of our head in the sand and our asses hanging out in the breeze must be over. I'm sorry that half the nation believes in things like "god" on our money, in our courthouses and in our bedrooms. But the world, and the global consciousness is evolving, and for us to survive, we MUST throw off these retarded fetters (and yes, I used the un-pc term "retarded" because if there ever was a fair and proper use for the word, the last eight years is it) and start rebuilding our collective intellect. We must stop being afraid of being compassionate, stop being embarrassed by our leadership, think of the globe and not just the chunk between the Colonies of The United States of Canada and The Dirty Secret of Mexico (el inodoro de la Americas) and rebuild our reputation as best we can.
And I believe we can...
Peace, everyone. For real...
...are only slightly wrong.
Still here, folks. But boy, oh boy are my arms tired! Woops. Blew the trite overused joke there. And so it goes.
Helping my step-daughter detox from a dangerous flirtation with the goddess Her-Oin. Boy does this take me back. And not to a good toilet. I'll write more on it later. But I promise I will.
Book-work is stalled again. Life is working me pretty damn hard atm. Life has that habbit. Hehehe... I said "habit".
Anyways, was just checking in after a few of my favorite SG's (Hi Nora!) and happened to read Brad Warner's most recent SG piece. Popped over to his blog, and went "Hell, I haven't blogged in a blog's age. People probably think I was lying face down in a puddle of ascii by now." Well, I'm not.
More later, friends. Need to strap on the strap-on and do life until it asks for more lube...
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