Four birds on a wire
Three facing due west, one east
In showering skies

It's really interesting to me now that I look at it. I was told this was all about karma. MY karma. I didn't really see it then, but I sure do now.

I've lived my life in various states of denial and acceptance. There was a time in the late 80's where I was so in denial that I actually tried to run from everyone and everything. I took a number of huge risks with my life, and was nearly killed as a result, not once but twice. I was out on my own, doing "what I wanted to do", but it was mostly just to try and distract myself because of a deep loss I'd suffered a few years before, losing two people I deeply loved. Now I see that those choices' ripples are catching up with me in very interesting ways. It's starting to teach me how karma works. It's not nearly as simplistic and obvious as as everyone thinks. It's far more subtle than that. And vastly less predictable.

Fayan was going on pilgrimage.

Dizang said, "Where are you going?"

Fayan said, "Around on pilgrimage."

Dizang said, "What is the purpose of pilgrimage?"

Fayan said: "I don't know."

Dizang said, "Not knowing is most intimate."

In the end it doesn't really matter about who believes you. The only thing that matters is telling the truth. Belief is something you can't control...

Well, back again with this.  I could blather on about it--either in abstraction or in detail--but there's no real point.  I know that sounds nihilistic; honestly I don't mean it that way.  What I mean is that there's no point in me enumerating the whys and wherefores.  The main point is, I got my hopes up.  I really and truly felt that my life was being blessed.  That something wonderful fell in it, and that more wonderful things were going to happen as a result, but it didn't work out that way.  I suppose I could chalk this pain up to "not being in the moment", but frankly, that's for roshis, and I'm about as far away from roshidom as I am from the moon.  Make that Mars.  The moon's only a quarter-million miles from here.

The thing that hurts me the most about the whole thing is that I was really trying.

Actually, no.  What really hurts is the fact that the way I felt was real.  I'm more sure of it than I've ever been.  But that doesn't really matter when you can't see the other side of the equation.  My side may be a "1", but if I don't know the definition of "x", it stays a variable, and it's damn hard to have a working relationship with a variable.  Ask any equal sign.  They'll testify.

The other hard thing is that there was a time when part of it I was scared of.  It took a lot of hard thinking and meditation, but I saw that fear for what it was.  Just fear.  Merely fear.  Once I got past that, I was really surprised to find not only acceptance on the other side, but anticipation, hell even excitement over the thing I'd been fearing.  Then to have it all taken away in an instant just sort-of knocked the wind out of me.  But that's what happens when the rug gets pulled out from under your feet I suppose.  I don't believe it was done maliciously.  I really don't.  But its suddenness and unilateral-ness (no, I'm not sure that's a word, but I didn't think "unilaterality" was either) really has knocked me back.  And it hurts.  And it saddens me.  It is VERY challenging practice to be with this feeling.  Practice makes... well, frankly, it just makes for more practice.  That's not bad.  It's just what it is.  Frankly, practice is all I have.  It's all any of us have.  Sometimes I (allow myself to) forget that.

Sorry for not making much sense right now folks, at least to most of you.  I'll be okay.  I know I will.  But right now the hurt is louder than the music.  But you dance anyway.  As Shiva teaches, you either dance or you die...

Oṃ śāntiḥ śāntiḥ śāntiḥ...

There's no greater pain

Than feeling loved and wanted

Then feeling that void

Distraction.

Hatred.
Distraction.
Anger.
Distraction.
Love
Distraction.
Longing.
Distraction.
Sadness.
Distraction.
Want.
Distraction.
Hunger.
Distraction.
Fear.
Distraction.
Envy.
Distraction.
Joy.
Distraction.
Loneliness.
Distraction.
Sound.
Distraction.
Sight.
Distraction.
Taste.
Distraction.
Smell.
Distraction.
Pain.
Distraction.

From what?

Here's a new comment to keep people from thinking a) I'm dead, b) I've been abducted, c) still scared of change. Well, one of those things is still true.

I make decisions -via- a long and complicated process that involves the entrails of wombats and a complicated system of wheels and pulleys. But when I say "I've made up my mind" it actually means I've come to a decision. That doesn't mean to etch the answer in stone--no decision is ever final and unchanging for all time--but you can at least count on the fact that I've thought long and hard, weighed the scales, checked the ledger, done the math, and come to some kind of actual answer that I'm comfortable with.

And yes, I do take fear into account when making up my mind about things. Quite honestly, you can't not take your fears into account when making large life decisions, and people who say they don't are full of it. Quite often, fear is a healthy thing. Ask any snack-shaped animal what they think about fear, and they'll say "Love it! (See ya!)" and live to answer more questions another day from a far and safe distance.

But fear can't be the only factor when making up one's mind, or even the majority of it for us monkeys with the ability to look off into the future, and sometimes, you simply have to have faith that you grabbed the parachute and not the nap-sack when you jump. And jump you often must, lest life become "as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean".

I made a decision a few weeks ago. I let myself look into the future and visualize something that really warmed my heart and made me excited. I allowed myself to feel something I had sworn off for years. In the end, I know that all I got out of it was the truth of who I am, no matter what does actually happen in the future, and that is never a bad thing. Is it what I actually was visualizing? No. Then again, nothing ever is, and the misconception that you will ever have life happen exactly as envisioned is the greatest thorn dukka has on its spiny branch.

The here-and-now has less spikey bits on it that the future or the past, or so it seems. I still marvel at how hard it is to be at peace with the ground of our existence, but I do know that it's a helluva lot easier than anguishing over the past or trying to shape or predict the future.

Thanks to all my friends for checking in with me. Sorry for the spacey and philosophical tone of this post. We now return you to your regularly scheduled weirdness, already in progress...