I'm okay...

...with being who I am. It's taken me years to be able to say that, and at times I still question weather I actually believe myself when I say it, but deep down, I do. Today's FB status...

The Zen.Trixter has had a very challenging day. He looks at the neon schmear of the sunset over the West hills, and suddenly hears words in his head. "Just cold gems set in memory..."

I have lived a very rich life. I've been able to go places and do things that many people dream about. Honestly, though, none of that actually matters as to who I "am". For a big chunk of my past, my motivations were very selfish. People were hurt by my actions, me included. I still bear that karma.

In this Buddhist practice, we have a concept/saying called "drop the story". It's a way of acknowledging that the past is the past, and the future's a fiction. That doesn't mean that the past are lies, or the future is a crazy delusion. All it is is a recognition that trying to deal with things that aren't right now is impossible.

I have often been stuck in the past or the future. Residing in the "now"--comfortably or otherwise--is something relatively new to me. And it sure is taking practice. Letting go of this idea that I am the sum-total of my past experiences is rather tricky. Aren't we all that we have done? To learn that the answer is "nope" is off-putting at first. It gets easier over time. I hope.

But if I've learned one thing, it's that I'm not truly anything other than what I am right now. This very moment. I owe no one a proof or explanation of the past, or a prognostication of the future. I simply owe this Universe my honesty, my compassion, and my attention. Everything good flows from that, and it is all I want from life.