I hurt someone the other day. Badly. I tried my best to minimize the pain, but as is often the case, it didn't work out that way. What happens when you just realize that it's not right? What do you do?

When my marriage was struggling, I tried very hard to allow for the fact that what I was reacting to was the fear of change. I wanted very badly for things to stay the way they were. But I saw that the special person I loved so much needed to be allowed to change into who they needed to be. She needed to be authentic, and I needed to allow that. As painful as it was (and at times still is), it really was for the best. I tried to simply be with the change and accept it as one more turn in the wheel inside the machine that is the Universe. At least we still talk.

The person I hurt a few days ago is also a very special person. She is many things I wanted to be with, but in the end, I suddenly realized that--for a number of reasons--it wasn't right. A number of these reasons were about me and what I was either bringing, or not bringing, to the relationship. But unfortunately, I blind-sided her with my decision. I truly wish I could have done things differently, but it suddenly burst from me. I feel terrible about it. She lashed out with some very venomous word-attacks, and no matter how much they hurt me, I simply let them hit me. I had to. She has a right to feel that hurt.

My teacher says that when this happens, the karma is mostly decided by the intent behind the action. That's no real comfort to me right now. This woman has been openly criticizing me as a Buddhist, and the path in general. I can't really do anything about that, but it still bothers me. I know that I would not have been able to fulfill her needs, nor she mine. I want her to find the person that can be wholly and totally what she needs, and sooner rather than later. I didn't want to be wasting her time anymore. Not that my time with her was a waste (contrary to what she accused me of) but at the same time, working on something you know won't work is by definition a waste of time, and she deserves better than that.

Me? I think being alone is what I need right now. Not in that pathetic sort-of way. More along the lines of "chop wood, carry water".

I just wish I hadn't cut someone in the process...

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same

"Changes" by David Bowie

It's very easy to chalk things up to "change". We have lots of interesting witticisms, catch phrases and lyrics about change. We spend massive amounts of time, money and energy dealing with--or fighting against--the possibility of change. Change is, quite frankly, the great dread we all live with. In the cannon of Existentialist literature, the one constant theme (once you whittle away all the verbiage) that is dealt with is change (or again; a perceived lack thereof). The fear of change--of being nudged out of our "dreaded contentment"--is so overwhelming at times in our lives that it has caused some to make the ultimate change (and ultimate mistake) and end their existences. How shocking to me now, yet not so long ago I, too, was as misguided as that.

A few philosophers* have taken a stab at this topic, so I'll let their work stand in stead of anything I may rehash, but I do have a better handle on this now than I once did, at least in my own mind, and for my own life. That's all I'll really report on the topic of change. I still don't find it easy, and I sure as hell don't find it fun most times, but one thing I have come to appreciate about change is that it is rather liberating. Honestly, it establishes to me that the Universe is doing its thing exactly as it is supposed to. Were things to stay the same, something would be very, very wrong.

When change comes, it's like a reset on the here and now, reminding you that no matter how comfortable you may have allowed yourself to become, the Universe calls you to rise up and show why we are all so special. Because we are, after all, the only beings we know of that can not only deal with change, but appreciate why change is so important (above and beyond needing a place to nest for the night). We can plan all we want (however vainly) to attempt to prevent change from happening in the future, or write songs about the tumult of the past, but when you finally fall in line with your breath, and be intimately aware of your body in relation to everything else, there's a chance that it may occur to you, too...

Change is what makes the now worth-while.


*= Okay, all of them. It was a joke...