I haven't had time to write much lately.  Well, to write much personal writing lately.  Life's just ramped up a bit, and I'm getting pulled in a number of directions.  Trying to keep all balls in the air.

But one ball keeps dropping to the floor.  It's a ball that I've dropped often.  My health, and specifically, my weight, exercise and eating habits.  Lately it seems that when this ball drops to the floor, it inverriably lands on my toe.  And it's apparently not a nice bouncy ball, but one made of lead.  Or at least lard.

Back in early summer 2009, I was back down to a weight that helped.  By today, I've put back on nearly twenty-five pounds.

This is really unacceptable.  For many, many reasons.

No one thing contributed to this issue more than ME.  I have added in a few animal-based things into my diet.  But that's not the key to this problem.  I have had access to a car again for the last two months, so I'm not walking like I used to.  But that too is not the key.  I have been eating from emotion and boredom again.  Once again, not the sole issue.

The sole issue is ME.

And I must do something about it.

I was a rather strict vegan for about three years.  In that period, I was at the lowest weight I'd been at since the beginning of high-school.  I felt physically better than I had since I was in my 20's.  I could do more with greater stamina.  My blood-pressure was getting back in line.  Everything was better.

Now it's not.

Two women I'm close to are dealing with very emotional issues that orbit around food right now.  One is the woman I was married to for nearly a decade.  One is a close and dear sangha friend who's dealing with food allergies.  I have a great deal of respect for both of these people, as women, as friends, as fellow sangha members, and as people I love.  To see them struggle hurts me.  I want to support them in this struggle.  And I have made a realization.

I can't do it by being like this.

One of my teachers--the founder of this particular branch of our lineage--is a well-regarded author, and her most recent book is on mindful eating.  My former partner is even mentioned in her book.  I have read the book.  It is brilliant, and immeasurably helpful.

But then I promptly ignored nearly everything in it.

Because I wanted to feed my hungry ghost.

A hungry ghost is never satisfied.  A hungry ghost is unable to be sated.  There are a number of variants to this cultural meme all throughout the world (the New World has them too).  It is a metaphor for the undying nature of greed.  Well, that's just it.  It's not greed per se.  It's not merely greed.  Obviously, back in the days when these stories and archetypes were being born, it was as obvious as greed.  Greed is bad.  How do we deplore greed?  We tell people that if they're greedy, their spirits will carry that greed over into the great beyond after death, and the greed will be so great that it will be the factor that keeps them from moving forward into (The Pure Land/Nirvana/fully joinig with Kṛṣṇa/The Happy Hunting Ground/etc).  Easy-peasy: greed bad.  Check.

But what it really is about is not greed so much as desire.  Clinging.  Wanting.  Desiring that which is currently not.  More than anything, I believe it's about fear.  The fear of feeling unhappy.  The fear of feeling want.  The fear of going without, of being denied, or the fear of feeling something you don't like.

Fear is so very powerful, and it has (miss-)informed and shaped my life for nearly its entirety.  Frankly, I'm tired of it.  I've said that many times before, and I'm aware that I've also said "this time it's different" many times before, to the point that it's probably one of my Top Ten All-Time Hits.

But the truth is, if I don't really and truly get a handle on this, it's going to kill me.

You'd think fear of death -via- my own stupidity would be enough of a motivator.  Apparently not.  Ghosts want more than that to chew on.

Back to the two women above.  Both are very inspirational to me in any number of ways.  I'd really like to show them my support.  I'd like to show them that I'm behind them in their struggles and that I think they're doing something meritable and good, and that by doing so, they inspire me to try and be better myself.

I cannot do that by giving in and giving up, again.

The long and the short of it is this: having said all that gooey and good support-y type stuff, I am really needing to do this for myself and myself alone.  I must.  I have a desire for things above and beyond "gratisfaction" as I call it, and frankly, I must find a way to re-tune myself and my ethics to be greedy for THAT.

As of the moment of typing this, I weight 290lbs again.

I set no goal other than to TRY.  No numbers. No points.  No "I will do _____ every ____ until I reach ____".  What I will do is this:

• I will strive to treat my body with love and respect.
• I will strive to be accepting of who I am now, but also strive to improve that person.
• I will not judge myself too harshly when I fail.
• I will try and seek support for this bad habit of desire from multiple sources.
• I will reduce what I can, and strive to be more mindful.
• I will trust in the tools that my linage and my faith have shown to be Good Medicine for all ills.

I will try to do these things because there is one overarching truth that applies to each and every one of us, fat, thin, healthy and unhealthy:

I am of the nature to grow old; there is no way to avoid growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill health; there is no way to avoid having ill health.

I am of the nature to die; there is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me, and everyone I love are of the nature of change; there is no way to escape eventually being separated from them.

My deeds are my closest companions; I am the beneficiary of my deeds.  My deeds are the ground on which I stand.

That is the simple truth of existence.  And no matter what I want, no matter what I desire, no matter how I try and mollify these things with over-abundance and indulgences, the above remains forever true, until the candle of "want" is finally extinguished.

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I also have a weight-loss blog: Fat Man In The Bathtub.  I invite you all to check that out as well.  The more people that are watching, the less likely you'll find driving down the street with a Twinkie in my mouth.

Good news is, I've always detested Twinkies.  I was a Zinger's kinda fat kid...

For those who don't know, I also have a weightloss blog called "Fat Man in the Bathtub". This is a cross-post from that blog because it involves some zen things that I think may be pertinent here. If I've learned anything about my life and my desire to become healthier, it's that my "practice" (read: "my Buddhist path") and my weight-loss path are inextricably linked. The word "inextricable" often has a negative connotation to it (as in "a morass of confusing connections one can never hope to figure out") but for me, this isn't the case, at least not in this sense. For me, "inextricably" means "apparently very complicated and nuanced". I am starting to understand that while it may appear that way to me at times, it is more likely that it is less complicated that it really is. There is a dramatic difference between "complicated" and "complex". Anyway...

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The changes I've been making are once again working. It's always the two things: diet and exercise. Always. I have been riding the exercycle almost every day. 20min sessions. Typically at least two sessions, but my stamina is back up, so often it's three, so that's 60min on the bike. It's beginning to make a few funny sounds and some grinding, so I think maintenance is in order. The last thing I need is for that thing to "grind to a halt". The rains are here now, and soon it will be really hard for me to get out of this flat, so that bike will be an indoor life-line to exercise when I can't get out and walk.

I'm back to having more energy, which is nice. It's amazing what that 15lbs feels like on me now and what it does to me. I'm really looking forward to getting back into the 250's again. My "goal" is the same: 250 by the new year. That's actually pretty reasonable (again). If it's so damn reasonable, then why haven't I ever made it? Hmmm?

The 266 may or may not be real, but at least is appearing to be for the past few days. I've had a few "cheese parties" the past three days or so, but at the same time, I've been very conscious of what I've had, and make sure to do 60min bike totals the days after. Fortunately, the cheese is now gone... ;)

Interestingly, my sensei hit me with something this past Sunday while doing my sanzen interview. I'd told him that I was doing okay, and wanted to ask him if I could start practicing with a koan. He said "I understand why you want to, but right now, I think the best thing for you to do is start being mindful of food." This really struck me, because I had actually begun that very practice about a week before-hand. "If you want to couch it in a koan form, ask yourself this: 'Who is it that craves? Who is it that hungers?' Explore that..."

And that is a very powerful practice, and one that I have wrestled with my whole life. It will be interesting to see where it leads me. I have an intellectual answer that jumps to the front of my mind, but as is typically the case, it's almost always the "not right" answer.

I am signed up for a week-long seshin the 3rd week of November. It's a "generosity seshin", and everything eaten is donated. I plan on making 48 seitan sausages (both links and patties) to contribute, along with dry goods.

I am looking forward to the ōryōki meals again. It's so nice to eat this way. Eating as a team. Eating as one hunger, with all needs met by your dharma brothers or sisters handing you everything you need, and you passing it on. All you have to do is focus on the sensations and flavors, and rest in the support that the sangha provides. Talk about gratitude.

This kind of generosity is more humbling than I can possibly describe....but know I deserve. That's because we all deserve this.

How sad that we have allowed ourselves to forget what is truly our birthright: Health, happiness, peace, joy and the support of family/sangha. I won't lie and say that I'm not looking for the weightloss aid that a week at the monastery will help out with, but honestly, as nervous as I may be about my first week-long seshin, what I look forward to the most is simply being held in that great vessel--that safe place--where, no matter what, I will be with those who love and care for me, and support me simply for who I am, and my willingness to be there as part of something greater than any of us alone. Everything you need is there, and in just the right amount. Truly. "Just enough..."