Sorry about the sound quality. Someone elses' vid from another show. I wanted decent vid of the stage and light rigs. Seriously, when they played "Busy Child", the floor shook so hard that it made my knees weak. This was one of the sickest, most beautiful shows I've ever seen...
...and I danced off two full pounds! Bonus!
...and I can't possibly write about it clearly right now, but it involved a beautiful spirit.
And that's all I have to say about that. ;)
How shall I a habit break?
As you did that habit make.
As you gathered, you must lose;
As you yielded, now refuse.
Thread by thread, the strands we twist,
Till they bind us neck and wrist.
Thread by thread, the patient hand,
Must untwine ere free we stand.
-John Boyle O'Reilly
What depression brings, and where it comes from.
The first part I know all too well. The second part is still a bit of a mystery, but becomes clearer the older I get, and the deeper I study Zen.
But let's talk about what manifests.
For many years, I've suffered from depression. I know this. It's not as bad as many, but is probably more formidable than I'd like to think, and surely more than I had ever realized as it happened. Unfortunately, even my level of depression can ruin things. From the physical to the physiological, the mental, spiritual and emotional, I now understand all too well what my "moderate" depression has cost me. Jobs. Tens-of-thousands of dollars. Trust. Respect. At times, it's cost me my dignity. At times, I've even wondered about my sanity. And it most certainly punched a gaping hole in the hull of my marriage.
Physical examples of the depression-fostered decay brought into my life, and the lives of those who loved me, is all-too readily apparent. I would leave so many things undone. Things left lying. Rotting. Rusting. Hundreds of starts, and few finishes. Ideas would pop up, I'd start something, then enthusiasm would just peter out, or worse (and plenty likely) I'd suddenly find that I--once again--could not physically meet the challenge I'd laid out for myself.
So yes, a kernel of that depression of mine is that I still feel emasculated by my disability. To make matters worse, that disability has only grown with two things: the adding of weight, and the passage of time. The weight issue and the disability go hand-in-fat-hand, of course, when you talk of depression. Both are fertile ground for the seeds of apathy. But the disability ramps up so quickly as I age. I always knew it would, but I thought I'd deal with it better. But right when I hit about 33 or so, it just became shockingly apparent. Combine that with a weight that at one point was about 335lbs or there-abouts, and uncontrolled high blood-pressure, and it's a wonder I'm here to type this shameful mess. But everything is so damn hard for me to do. Everything. At least it feels that way.
But the apathy... the sudden "whatever, it can wait" that drags on for weeks, months, a year. What the hell is wrong with me? If I feel any shame at all about my marriage, it's that. I know damn well that she resents me for that, and she has every right to. I know I would.
I've been seeing a therapist on-and-off for the past three or four years now. I like her a lot. I wish--I really wish--I could go regularly, but we need to see if Medicare will cover it now. But in the past, when it came to the costs, I always wanted my then-wife to go more regularly than me. If one of us got the regularity of it, it would be her. She hurt so damn badly inside that I could just feel it, and I wanted to make sure that she had the best chance of dealing with her issues. Hers were bigger than mine. My issues, I thought, were just old itchy scabs. And I thought they were just about my weight. That's initially what I went back for. But now I know why I'm there, or hopefully will be able to return soon, Medicare allowing. But I always kept our promise to each-other, to stick with each-other through the garbage as well as the good times, as encouragement that no matter how long it took us to get our respective shit figured out, that the other would either be there when we got through, or trudging behind. But the clock ran out anyway. I knew that she was going much faster than I, and as my investigation into my own psyche deepened, I all-too-quickly learned that these weren't just scabs I had. These were active wounds. Some infected. Some, unfortunately, were fresh. I hadn't anticipated that. More on that in another blog entry.
I tried a few SSRI's. They were terrible. They actually made the apathy worse. I didn't care, and I didn't care that I didn't care, and I was okay with all of that. That is no kind of solution at all. But some time last year, while sitting zazen, I had a realization, and a quick (and mercifully free) consult -via- email with my therapist makes me think that I'm on to something.
I don't think it's "depression".
I think I might be suffering from attention deficit disorder.
And I think I may have been suffering from it my whole fucking life.
That's what a little bit of Zen will do for you. When you actually finally have your defences drawn down by the process, the truth hits you like a keisaku to the back of the head at times, with the lingering words ringing in your head; "This is the truth, and you know it's the truth. Don't bother to run from your shadow. Deal with it..."
I'm trying...
"Take a load off..."
Were it only that easy.
This is really starting to hurt me inside. I've actually been trying. I really have. But the weight's actually been trying harder than I have, apparently. God, how depressing this is.
I'm trying to get a shrink appointment lined up. I really need to go. I haven't seen her since before the divorce, so I have a few things to discuss. Worried about how to pay for it. Medicare is just a morass of bureaucratic BS. It seems that every time I call an agency to ask "what the hell should I be doing?" they tell me to call another agency.
Regardless of that, I can barely even afford life as it currently is. I have about $10 in the bank account right now. This is my first full month out on my own, and even with the $250 stimulus check I got, I'm now with my back up to the wall. Admittedly, I have purchased tickets to four events this month, so that's a big part of it. But it's not going to get easier until November when I can redo my tax withholding on my Soc. Sec. Disability benefits. Then I should have an additional $200 a month, which will definitely help.
But the finances need to be reined in. I made an appointment with a NPO credit and debt counseling agency for June 1st. I'm behind on two cards, and barely keeping ahead of my "important" one. I can't let anything happen to that, or else it impacts my ex's credit, and I can't allow that. Gonna go in and talk with the counseling agency and see what my options are. Were it not for my ex, I'd just declare bankruptcy, but I can't do that to her. We'll see how things shake out.
And frankly, that's sorta gotta be my take on all of it for right now, or else I'd just feel completely overwhelmed. That feeling may not be unfounded, but righteous or not, I can't afford to be overwhelmed at the moment.
The events I spoke of, though pricey, are important to and for me, I believe. I can't allow myself to hermit up. I like going out. I like the events I've been going to: DJ Cheb, Thievery Corporation, Sisters of Mercy: they were a blast. Taking my girlfriend and dancing together feels awesome. Seeing her enjoy herself and dance freely makes me feel good inside. And hell, there's no better exercise in my book than dancing to a pounding beat.
I enjoy going out, and this month's schedule is sorta packed. Tomorrow night she and I go to the ART.SPIRIT.NOW show to see Alex and Alison Grey both lecture AND paint live. Music should be decent (Heavyweight Dub Champion), but we're going more for the Greys. TKW (girlfriend) has a pirate/SCA event in Salem the following day, so she's planning on driving down there Saturday sometime. Then the following Friday is the big night: The Crystal Method @ The Roseland. Taking DW (step-daughter) for her 6-month sobriety anniversary, and decided to take TKW too. They like hanging out together anyways, so it should be a very interesting "family" night 0.o Then the following evening, the final A.S.N event happens. Really looking forward to that. No Alex Grey, but music from Ganga Giri! I've wanted to see him live ever since I discovered his music. Great digge. Huge beats. Lots of glowy fun! So the next week is a bit hectic, true, but should be great. The last show on the line-up happens June 12th, when I finally, finally get to see Shpongle! This will be at the Wonder Ballroom (never been) so that will be interesting. Seems everything TKW and I have seen in the past year has been at the Roseland. I'm curious if this will be a live, partly live, or DJ show by Simon, but at this point, I don't really care.
The only other music things for the summer on my horizon are deciding a) if I can afford to, and b) which to do: The Oracle Gathering or the Beloved Festival. Oracle is more psy-trancy, but features Bluetech & Pitch Black, and is cheaper. Beloved is more hippie-centric, lush and happy trance, but is twice as expensive. It, however, now is confirmed to have Toby Marks (aka BANCO DE GAIA) and that may very well be the deciding factor. I've seen Banco inside: I'd love to see him at a good outdoor fest. But that will require some creative funding. That smells of "employment". I have no idea how that'll go...
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