The Weight...

"Take a load off..."

Were it only that easy.

This is really starting to hurt me inside. I've actually been trying. I really have. But the weight's actually been trying harder than I have, apparently. God, how depressing this is.

I'm trying to get a shrink appointment lined up. I really need to go. I haven't seen her since before the divorce, so I have a few things to discuss. Worried about how to pay for it. Medicare is just a morass of bureaucratic BS. It seems that every time I call an agency to ask "what the hell should I be doing?" they tell me to call another agency.

Regardless of that, I can barely even afford life as it currently is. I have about $10 in the bank account right now. This is my first full month out on my own, and even with the $250 stimulus check I got, I'm now with my back up to the wall. Admittedly, I have purchased tickets to four events this month, so that's a big part of it. But it's not going to get easier until November when I can redo my tax withholding on my Soc. Sec. Disability benefits. Then I should have an additional $200 a month, which will definitely help.

But the finances need to be reined in. I made an appointment with a NPO credit and debt counseling agency for June 1st. I'm behind on two cards, and barely keeping ahead of my "important" one. I can't let anything happen to that, or else it impacts my ex's credit, and I can't allow that. Gonna go in and talk with the counseling agency and see what my options are. Were it not for my ex, I'd just declare bankruptcy, but I can't do that to her. We'll see how things shake out.

And frankly, that's sorta gotta be my take on all of it for right now, or else I'd just feel completely overwhelmed. That feeling may not be unfounded, but righteous or not, I can't afford to be overwhelmed at the moment.

The events I spoke of, though pricey, are important to and for me, I believe. I can't allow myself to hermit up. I like going out. I like the events I've been going to: DJ Cheb, Thievery Corporation, Sisters of Mercy: they were a blast. Taking my girlfriend and dancing together feels awesome. Seeing her enjoy herself and dance freely makes me feel good inside. And hell, there's no better exercise in my book than dancing to a pounding beat.

I enjoy going out, and this month's schedule is sorta packed. Tomorrow night she and I go to the ART.SPIRIT.NOW show to see Alex and Alison Grey both lecture AND paint live. Music should be decent (Heavyweight Dub Champion), but we're going more for the Greys. TKW (girlfriend) has a pirate/SCA event in Salem the following day, so she's planning on driving down there Saturday sometime. Then the following Friday is the big night: The Crystal Method @ The Roseland. Taking DW (step-daughter) for her 6-month sobriety anniversary, and decided to take TKW too. They like hanging out together anyways, so it should be a very interesting "family" night 0.o Then the following evening, the final A.S.N event happens. Really looking forward to that. No Alex Grey, but music from Ganga Giri! I've wanted to see him live ever since I discovered his music. Great digge. Huge beats. Lots of glowy fun! So the next week is a bit hectic, true, but should be great. The last show on the line-up happens June 12th, when I finally, finally get to see Shpongle! This will be at the Wonder Ballroom (never been) so that will be interesting. Seems everything TKW and I have seen in the past year has been at the Roseland. I'm curious if this will be a live, partly live, or DJ show by Simon, but at this point, I don't really care.

The only other music things for the summer on my horizon are deciding a) if I can afford to, and b) which to do: The Oracle Gathering or the Beloved Festival. Oracle is more psy-trancy, but features Bluetech & Pitch Black, and is cheaper. Beloved is more hippie-centric, lush and happy trance, but is twice as expensive. It, however, now is confirmed to have Toby Marks (aka BANCO DE GAIA) and that may very well be the deciding factor. I've seen Banco inside: I'd love to see him at a good outdoor fest. But that will require some creative funding. That smells of "employment". I have no idea how that'll go...