So this is the poem I asked to be included in our sangha poetry book. I wrote it after a powerful experience at Great Vow Zen Monastery on a Beginner's Mind retreat.

A Matter of Scale…

the snow was lovely
quiet treasure falling from dark, pregnant skies
in the early dawn
more silence than I deserve
I will strive not to squander this gift
this briefest of tastes
this cold, beautiful emptiness
as my wooden ears soften
to hear the almost imperceptible
yet completely distinctive sound
crashing to its doom
up high in the trees
a chorus of innumerable, soft endings
a hushed requiem
a magical coda
to this symphony of silence
then a call
to once more
start again
from the top
this time
with feeling…

When and where I'll die
Is vastly less important
Than how I'll do it

Empty as the sky
Filled only with soft white clouds
That's what I wish for

I've watched all of one episode, and I'm hooked. What a stunning visual show this is, and the acting is top-notch. Plus, you get to see lots and lots (and lots) of Polly Walker. For anyone who's studied this period in history, even to a small degree, this is just fabulously entertaining, and amazingly accurate. I look forward to watching the Republic fall...

When one contemplates
The little things in life
One must remember
That there is
No such
Everything is huge
Everything is all-important
Everything is intrinsic
There is no such thing
That is not wholly and totally
What it is.
In that way
Everything we do
Everything we think
Everything we smell, touch, taste, hear and see
Everything we experience
Is really
And truly
All that we are.
Everything that is "me"
Is the Universe
And if that is not
The greatest of Miracles
Then I won't bother you

Lip-gloss traces on a Harp glass
Showing the fine line your lower lip draws
Perfect in every detail
Subtle nuances of you
Lingering in my world
Radiating warmth
And love
From the oddest of objects.

It makes me look forward
To bed...

Apologies to my desi friends for the cobbled-from-the-webs name. Feel free to correct me.

A riff on classic deviled eggs. Curried deviled eggs with vegan caviar, vegan minced shrimp, spicy tomato chutney, smoked paprika, spicy green olives and cilantro.

Teh yummays. Nom.

Making this again tomorrow for a BBQ AK and I are going to.

What a month! Part of me feels guilty in saying that this is the most unbelievably wonderful time in my life. My divorce is still wet (actually, I'm not even sure of the status of it; I didn't get a decree or anything) and I should be mourning its loss. In many ways, I am. I miss my partner and friend, but we're working to get back to a place where we can connect and enjoy each-other's company. That's important to me. And I just have to keep believing that with genuine effort, it will happen in time.

But the most wonderful things have happened to me in the past few weeks.

I have been polyamorous my entire adult life--since 17, really. I won't go into the specifics, but I have always had a number of heart-based romantic relationships happening concurrently. I've been seeing the same woman--TKW--for nearly two years now. It's ebbed and flowed, but has consistenly grown stronger and deeper over time. It's been wonderful for the most part. A few bumps as always, but we've gotten over them.

But now, and completely out of nowhere, comes AK. All I can liken this to is a piano falling out of a clear blue sky and landing squarely on top of me. It's going insanely fast, and insanely intensely. And insanely wonderfully. It has changed the way I look at life, love, partnership, happiness and myself. And it has changed the way I look at polyamory, and how it applies to my life.

I think it's time to re-evaluate what I want in the realm of relationships.

I think it may be time to "retire" from polyamory and focus on one relationship.

I can't really go into more details on the full dynamic here, but because of the way I live my life and the way I love, having the freedom to be with multiple responsible partners has always been very beneficial to me. But unlike a not-insignificant portion of the poly world, I've never poo-poo'd monogamy. I think it's as valid a life-choice as poly, and I've always shown it as much respect as I'd expect mono's to show me. But at the same time, I've always known deep inside that I'd like to devote myself to one person. AK is scaring the hell out of me, because for the first time, I know without question that I'm getting the feeling that I could do that with her. And the scariest thing is that she feels the same. The catch is that AK--unlike nearly every woman I've been with in the last 20+ years--is monogamous. And it's making me realize that I think I may be too.

There is no question that this will impact my relationship with TKW in very serious ways. Due to the nature of the field of play here, AK is very understanding of my relationship with TKW, but at the same time, in order for us to take a real running go at this relationship, I'll have to stop my intimate relationship with TKW. TKW is a bit hurt by this, and understandably so, but we've always said that we knew we could never make it as a full-time couple. We knew we weren't "it" for each-other, and always said we wanted the other to find that one person that was "it". I'd just always assumed that it'd be her first. That it's me is just completely flummoxing to me.

But AK is quite possibly the best match for me that could be. Physically. Intimately. Intellectually. Personality. Pick a row or column and it's there. Gods; I feel like I just jumped out of a plane. Check that. Was pushed. The Universe did this. I just didn't see it coming at all. As the famous line goes; "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

More later, including a write-up of recent shows. Shpongle was last night, and was madness supreme!

Wow, it's been a while. Just so much going on in the past month or so. I honestly don't really know where to start. So frankly, I won't. Things are better than they've ever been. In my life, I'm pretty sure. I'll get it on "paper" here soon, but right now folding laundry is a bit more important.

Just fold laundry...

So many people who know me will say they've heard this before. Guess I'm not the only one who thinks zen sucks, and is irritating, yet feels compelled to do it because it's the only thing that seems to work with any consistancy...

Anybody who's ever gone to the PAM with me could tell you this about me...

Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test...

Non-conformist, Visionary, and Independent

30 Abstract, -19 Islamic, -10 Ukiyo-e, 20 Cubist, -23 Impressionist and -36 Renaissance!

Abstract art uses a visual language of form, color and line to create a composition which exists independently of what may appear to others as visual realities. Western art had been underpinned by the logic of perspective and an attempt to reproduce an illusion of visible reality. That convention allowed the progressive thinking artists to show a different side to the world around them. By the end of the 19th century many artists felt a need to create a 'new kind of art' which would encompass the fundamental changes taking place in technology, science and philosophy. Abstract artists created art that was diverse and reflected the social and intellectual turmoil in all areas of Western culture.

People that chose abstract art as their preferred art-form tend to be visionaries. They see things in the world around them and in people that others may miss because they look beyond what is visual only with the eye. They rely on their inner thoughts and feelings in dealing with the world around them instead of on what they are told they should think and feel. They feel freed from the tendency to be bound by traditional thought and experiences. They look more toward their own ideas and experiences than what they are told by their religious upbringing or from scientific evidence. They tend to like to prove theories themselves instead of relying on the insight or ideas of others. They are not bound by common and mundane, but like to travel and have new experiences. They value intelligence, but they also enjoy a challenge. They can be rather argumentative when they are being forced or feel as if they are being forced to conform.

Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test
at HelloQuizzy

The weight-loss, combined with a new and beautiful tangent in my life, is keeping me awake. I either can't fall asleep, or if I do, I wake in the night, and stay that way.

It's 5:30am. Gonna go walking. I'll be thinking of that tangent.

...a lot...

Spending the rest of the day working on a few mixes. Need to finish the one I posted earlier. I have a feeler out to someone in the Embers org about doing a set there. I'll believe it when it happens.

I did the math on what I think I'll need equipment-wise, above and beyond what I already have (I'm in desperate need of a manual controller/mixer). I then felt very sad. I then stopped feeling sad, because it's so absurd that it doesn't deserve my sadness. We'll see. Right now, I'm going to be concentrating on getting a regular podcast going.

Dawn comes tapping at the window,
like it's trying not to wake me abruptly,
but really must get on with the day.

And my mind, still wrapped in the gauze of sleep
gently comes into focus,
as if the thought I knew I would have upon waking
seeded the clarity that crystallized around it.

A self-fulfilling prophesy?
Better the hope I could fulfill my own desire
Than the constant desire to be fulfilled.

So I lay there,
Trying desperately not to squeeze the Universe into a ball,
Nor presume, yet so desperate to begin.

The thought of you
Makes me want to drown.