What a month! Part of me feels guilty in saying that this is the most unbelievably wonderful time in my life. My divorce is still wet (actually, I'm not even sure of the status of it; I didn't get a decree or anything) and I should be mourning its loss. In many ways, I am. I miss my partner and friend, but we're working to get back to a place where we can connect and enjoy each-other's company. That's important to me. And I just have to keep believing that with genuine effort, it will happen in time.

But the most wonderful things have happened to me in the past few weeks.

I have been polyamorous my entire adult life--since 17, really. I won't go into the specifics, but I have always had a number of heart-based romantic relationships happening concurrently. I've been seeing the same woman--TKW--for nearly two years now. It's ebbed and flowed, but has consistenly grown stronger and deeper over time. It's been wonderful for the most part. A few bumps as always, but we've gotten over them.

But now, and completely out of nowhere, comes AK. All I can liken this to is a piano falling out of a clear blue sky and landing squarely on top of me. It's going insanely fast, and insanely intensely. And insanely wonderfully. It has changed the way I look at life, love, partnership, happiness and myself. And it has changed the way I look at polyamory, and how it applies to my life.

I think it's time to re-evaluate what I want in the realm of relationships.

I think it may be time to "retire" from polyamory and focus on one relationship.

I can't really go into more details on the full dynamic here, but because of the way I live my life and the way I love, having the freedom to be with multiple responsible partners has always been very beneficial to me. But unlike a not-insignificant portion of the poly world, I've never poo-poo'd monogamy. I think it's as valid a life-choice as poly, and I've always shown it as much respect as I'd expect mono's to show me. But at the same time, I've always known deep inside that I'd like to devote myself to one person. AK is scaring the hell out of me, because for the first time, I know without question that I'm getting the feeling that I could do that with her. And the scariest thing is that she feels the same. The catch is that AK--unlike nearly every woman I've been with in the last 20+ years--is monogamous. And it's making me realize that I think I may be too.

There is no question that this will impact my relationship with TKW in very serious ways. Due to the nature of the field of play here, AK is very understanding of my relationship with TKW, but at the same time, in order for us to take a real running go at this relationship, I'll have to stop my intimate relationship with TKW. TKW is a bit hurt by this, and understandably so, but we've always said that we knew we could never make it as a full-time couple. We knew we weren't "it" for each-other, and always said we wanted the other to find that one person that was "it". I'd just always assumed that it'd be her first. That it's me is just completely flummoxing to me.

But AK is quite possibly the best match for me that could be. Physically. Intimately. Intellectually. Personality. Pick a row or column and it's there. Gods; I feel like I just jumped out of a plane. Check that. Was pushed. The Universe did this. I just didn't see it coming at all. As the famous line goes; "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

More later, including a write-up of recent shows. Shpongle was last night, and was madness supreme!