...I haven't been this confused and upset in a long time. To my friends all over, please don't send me the thoughtful "dude, wuzup?/hang in there bro" inquiries. I love you all, but it'll only muddy the waters for me. It'll all be spelled out in time, I suppose. Or not. I just needed to voice this to the Universe because frankly, I don't have anybody else to talk to right now...

I hate fear...

...in an odd way. More endings and beginnings. The woman I've been seeing and I have decided to not see each-other anymore. This time, it's a more bilateral decision. She is a really wonderful woman, and I feel blessed to have had that relationship with her, but we have different wants and desires for the future, and it simply makes our lives incompatible in a number of really important ways. So we've decided to dial it back to a friendship. I'm thankful that we're going to try and foster a friendship after all is said and done: she's a person I want in my life.

I really need to focus on myself right now. I know that sounds selfish, but honestly, I won't be very attractive to anyone (myself included) if I don't get my crap in a pile. I have a lose goal of having my B.A. by 2012, and my M.A. by 2014, so I can get twenty solid years of teaching and writing in before I retire. I think it's do-able. I have more credits than I thought that transfer, so I think by the time I get my maths & sciences out of the way, I should only have about a term's worth of 300-400-level work to do before I get my degree.

Part of that degree will hopefully be a certification in E.S.L. (English as a Second Language) teaching. I haven't pitched the dream of mine that I've had for a long time to go teach abroad in someplace like Vietnam, Thailand or India. We'll see what the world has in store.

But all that said, I now know that school needs to be put off until the winter '10 term due to finances. I have about $5k in grants available to me every year, but I started too late in the year to get financing in place, so if I went this term, I'd have to pay for it out of pocket, which I simply can't do. So I'll just wait and hit the ground running in Jan/Feb '10.

Anyways, a brief update from the field. Watching the Packers play the Bears while getting ready to go do Sunday Sanzen service. Nice and cool tonight.

I love Fall...

Not sure where I am at the moment. Motivated, yet demotivated. Anxious, yet at ease with where things are going. Wanting to start yet being nervous about things all over again. Man, I wish I could get a handle on things. This is definitely not ennui. Feels more like angst. Good old fear of change, and fear of changing.

I leave in about three hours to go talk to an admissions counselor at the school I've been accepted to, then take some admissions tests. I thought about brushing up on math stuff, but frankly, that seems a bit stupid. I'd rather know where I really am right now. I know I'll need to start out in pre-algebra at best, if only to knock the rust off the chain as I get back on the bike. I'm okay with that; low and slow to start out is fine by me. I only want to start classes part-time right now.

Frankly, though, I think that maybe full-time may be better. Just throw myself back in up to my neck. It worked really well last time. Made me focus. Helped me excel (at least in the things I enjoyed). And quite honestly, the clock is ticking. I have 67 credits from my old college and a 2.9 GPA. I need to get my degree done and completed by 44 at the latest so I can start teaching before I'm 45. Even if I go over-seas to teach, I need to get a good 20 years in in order to have any kind of decent retirement, so it behooves me to get my ass crackin' and take as many credits as I'm comfortable with.

The "comfort"'s the thing, though. I'm just nervous, especially because I need to concentrate on classes and subjects that I wasn't very good at last time around. Admittedly, I "wasn't good at them" because I found them boring. Now my motivations are different. I'm out on my own. I have no back-up or support like I did back in my 20's. I need to make this work. Moreover: I think I want this to work in ways that I didn't want before.

Urgency is its own Prime Mover.