Not sure where I am at the moment. Motivated, yet demotivated. Anxious, yet at ease with where things are going. Wanting to start yet being nervous about things all over again. Man, I wish I could get a handle on things. This is definitely not ennui. Feels more like angst. Good old fear of change, and fear of changing.

I leave in about three hours to go talk to an admissions counselor at the school I've been accepted to, then take some admissions tests. I thought about brushing up on math stuff, but frankly, that seems a bit stupid. I'd rather know where I really am right now. I know I'll need to start out in pre-algebra at best, if only to knock the rust off the chain as I get back on the bike. I'm okay with that; low and slow to start out is fine by me. I only want to start classes part-time right now.

Frankly, though, I think that maybe full-time may be better. Just throw myself back in up to my neck. It worked really well last time. Made me focus. Helped me excel (at least in the things I enjoyed). And quite honestly, the clock is ticking. I have 67 credits from my old college and a 2.9 GPA. I need to get my degree done and completed by 44 at the latest so I can start teaching before I'm 45. Even if I go over-seas to teach, I need to get a good 20 years in in order to have any kind of decent retirement, so it behooves me to get my ass crackin' and take as many credits as I'm comfortable with.

The "comfort"'s the thing, though. I'm just nervous, especially because I need to concentrate on classes and subjects that I wasn't very good at last time around. Admittedly, I "wasn't good at them" because I found them boring. Now my motivations are different. I'm out on my own. I have no back-up or support like I did back in my 20's. I need to make this work. Moreover: I think I want this to work in ways that I didn't want before.

Urgency is its own Prime Mover.


Nixie said...

i was thinking of heading back to college myself. i've always had an interest in electronics, but never quite enough knowledge to really get anything from it other than several dozen starts of projects, but never finished due to hitting problems that i couldn't solve due to lack of knowledge. i know i can easily get a place on the course (national diploma in electrical and electronic engineering). the only thing is it would mean moving again to the much more expensive (albeit beautiful) city of york. i dunno, i've got until christmas to think it over, i'm not entirely sure i've got the motivation myself. i've only just got back up to the north, and have been lucky enough to find myself just enough work back at the theatre i used to work at to just keep my head above water. if i do go for it, i'll be staring out all over again, and i'm not 100% certain if i've got it in me. this time round was hard enough, but then i had friends that were able to help and support me until i was able to stand on my own two feet, but over in york, while i do have a few friends (mainly old work collegues) they wouldn't be able to help out in the same way, and certainly not to the extent that i may need. we'll see.

anyway, good luck with your studies. hope you get what you need, and are able to go on to do what you want to do.