See, I'm trying!

A few interesting things are happening. Hopefully I'll be able to post specifics soon, but I don't want to speak out of turn before things are finalized. What I can say is that I'm currently working on a "class/program" offering for my sangha that will involve movie nights and other media. It really does look to be shaping up into something rather cool. The bit I won't talk about yet involves the appearance of a certain blogger and writer who may be showing up to participate in one of them. This is cool, but a bit unnerving at the same time.

I'm starting to go deeper into my practice, and it's helping me. I feel more grounded. I feel more balanced. Yet at the same time, I'm rather scared. I took a year off of my Zen practice a while ago, to "feel out" if I really wanted to go in this direction. I came back after realizing that it was about the only thing that actually helped me. But there is still this lingering question. It's not "will this help?" or "is this worth it?"; it's more "can I do this?" Zen requires so much of you, and I'll admit that in my life I've not been the greatest when it comes to committing to something and seeing it through. But at the same time, the things I've committed to in my practice--the service to my sangha, mostly--come more easily than many things I've endeavored to do in the past. That leads me to believe that I'm tasting something different. But the idea of this level of commitment scares the bujeebus out of me. The mere truth of the fact that I am seriously considering monasticism as a life path is, uh... scary.

I have this kid in the SG:Buddhism group--some copper-banded* university student in the Netherlands--who is all over me with his zen-ness. It does get to me a bit on the ego level, I'll admit; some twenty-something telling me that I have no grasp of Zen. That having been said, what gets to me the most is the fact that people will read this person's ideas and come away with a really incorrect idea of Zen. He's comingling Zen with Existentialism. I love this bit...

ZT I feel your understanding of zen is heavily influenced by buddhism as a whole. While this may be constructive to most sects of buddhism it is not for Zen. In fact it is the exact opposite for Zen. Having preconcieved notions of what Zen is or what Zen means is counterproductive to your experience of it.

Zen is spiritual if you do not feel that way perhaps you are doing something wrong? Perhaps you think it to be something it is not?

Oi!

I am willing to wager 100 Euro that this kid has never done sanzen, and 100 more that he never will. I don't mean to sound all pissy and negative about the whole thing, but at the same time...

I don't purport to know it all. I'm working hard on not coming off like I do, which I know sometimes happens. But at the same time, I am not ashamed that I know what I know. What bothers me the most is that this kind of stuff still bothers me. I went back to SG because I thought it could once again be a good outlet for my dharma practice. I am now questioning that decision...

It's been too long. I want to start blogging more. So sorry for the lull all you non-existent readers!

I've put on over ten pounds by drowning my sorrows in various cheeses. Ugh. And I'm just generally not eating right. I'm "sad-eating". Will work on that.

Emotionally, I'm not truly depressed; just worried. Where the hell will I come up with the money to move out on my own? I can't do it with a room-mate; a) I have a kid, and b) it'd drive me crazy. But honestly, I'll do what I have to do. That will most likely entail asking my mother for money, most likely against any of the rest of my inheritance. Dunno. Good news is, it looks like the kid found a job.

More later. It's been a chore just motivating myself to write this...

More later, but just know...

Yes, I'm happy. But unfortunately, the turd of Prop 8 on top of my happiness sundae is a bit, umm... "turd-like". I *do* believe we'll get it overturned. I really do believe we're embarking upon a new direction for this country. We have to. We HAVE to. The days of our head in the sand and our asses hanging out in the breeze must be over. I'm sorry that half the nation believes in things like "god" on our money, in our courthouses and in our bedrooms. But the world, and the global consciousness is evolving, and for us to survive, we MUST throw off these retarded fetters (and yes, I used the un-pc term "retarded" because if there ever was a fair and proper use for the word, the last eight years is it) and start rebuilding our collective intellect. We must stop being afraid of being compassionate, stop being embarrassed by our leadership, think of the globe and not just the chunk between the Colonies of The United States of Canada and The Dirty Secret of Mexico (el inodoro de la Americas) and rebuild our reputation as best we can.

And I believe we can...

Peace, everyone. For real...

...are only slightly wrong.

Still here, folks. But boy, oh boy are my arms tired! Woops. Blew the trite overused joke there. And so it goes.

Helping my step-daughter detox from a dangerous flirtation with the goddess Her-Oin. Boy does this take me back. And not to a good toilet. I'll write more on it later. But I promise I will.

Book-work is stalled again. Life is working me pretty damn hard atm. Life has that habbit. Hehehe... I said "habit".

Anyways, was just checking in after a few of my favorite SG's (Hi Nora!) and happened to read Brad Warner's most recent SG piece. Popped over to his blog, and went "Hell, I haven't blogged in a blog's age. People probably think I was lying face down in a puddle of ascii by now." Well, I'm not.

More later, friends. Need to strap on the strap-on and do life until it asks for more lube...

...and for that, I'm sorry s'more. Lotsa lotsa stuff happening. Some good; some notsomuch or Chaotic-Neutral, as always.

Writing continues, but has slowed, mostly due to time constraints, as 3D issues need to be dealt with.

As to a few of the 3D issues, the garden is finally on-line and up-to about 85% capacity. The heat has been dealt with and successfully abated. Two rigs are going; one large hood with 2 1k bulbs, and one smaller hood with one 600w HPS, as alluded to in the last post. Both are ducted, and doing well. The a/c is JUST keeping temps at or below 80f at all times, which is on the high-end of the sweet-spot, but the sweet-spot none-the-less.

All the above is good news for me and the patients; cupboard's bare, and we're limping by on donations again. I swear I'll never fall off of a successful rotation again!

Personally, it's been a damn hard few weeks, but things are better now. Frankly, it deserves its own blog, but I think I'll just save it for my shrink.

I'll try and get better at the blog-thingy. Pinky-swear...

...since I've blogged. Lots of shat going on. Some good. Some notsomuch. Things is what they is.

The room is finally nearly fully on-line. The joy is palpable. Not being dependent on the kindness of the people in my medical community is such a relief. It'll be even better in a month when I harvest the first batch. That should be enough to get us through until a regular rotation is established. Two plants every month should provide for us all, with excess to store long term, and even excess excess to donate back into my community. The good news is, two plants a month will be the minimum I pull down. Four is more likely. I grow my plants smaller than I could for a few reasons, not the least of which is that in the case of an interaction with LEO (Law Enforcement Official), I will not appear to be a commercial enterprise.

I still have work to do, but the bulk of the work is done. The hood now holds one 1k MH and 1k HPS lamp, sealed behind glass, and ducted through a 245cfm fan, vented out under my back deck. The bargain A/C I stumbled upon at Home DePot is a real work-horse. It's powerful enough to cool the room down to 76f-78f with a bit of power to spare, so the potential to add one more 600w HPS is there, and I plan on trying that today. That is ducted out through the pre-existing vent pipe that was in place to facilitate a gas oven pilot light. I just pulled the duct off the flange, and taped my exhaust flexi-duct to that, and the heat issues were done. If I can keep my daytime temps in the flowering room under or at 80f, I'm good to go, and the room will be 2600w; rougly the same light value as the sun at noon. The light footprint is different than that, but that's less important than the spectrum and the intensity, as well as my ability to control and focus that light where I need it.

Aside from that, it's been a pretty stressful few days/weeks. Personally, I feel sort of shaken. The confidence i once had in a number of aspects of my life has been eroded and I'm a bit fearful of the future. But there is precious little I can do about that, save to keep striving to be the most genuine "me" I can be, and hope that'll be enough. It just seems a bit odd that I spend time encouraging people to be authentic, and then when I am, people can't deal with it. But I've discovered over time that most people are that way, honestly. Being authentic means being vulnerable. Why? Because deep down, in each person's authentic center is a little child that gets hurt easily. Not allowing for that chance of pain and disappointment means not being authentic, and therefore, not experiencing all that your life provides. Wanting to experience "all that life has to offer" means the shit with the sugar. Take it all in, or shore up your walls. Here comes the flood.

Après moi le déluge...

[added:]

Oh, hey, I'm Twittering now. I think my Borg implant may be next.